Cause of recent fires determined totally not to be related to Goatman

Stumpy Point, NC – State fire officials have issued a press release that in no way implicates Goatman in the string of fires this Spring. The fires were most likely caused by humans, and not a goat human hybrid. I mean do you know how hard it is to use a lighter with hoove/claw hands much less siphon the gas out of an old Mustang. Besides any evidence of a satanic ritual would have been burned… I mean never existed in the first place.

When asked for details the head fire investigator for the National Wildlife Service said, “What’s this Goatman you speak of? I have never heard of such a thing, and wouldn’t even consider him at all because he definitely did not threaten my life.”

So that settles that, we can all go back to ignoring the eccentric crytid that harmlessly wanders the woods.

 

Tourist restaurant bartender glad that bartending school paid off

Duck, NC – Jeanne Filigree could have gone to law school like her parents wanted, but she decided to take a bartending class instead. She credits that with her being able land a job at a prestigious tourist restaurant. She highly doubts her age and looks had anything to do with it. “Once they saw I had my bartending certificate, they knew I would be great at this job,” She said as she cut her ninetieth lime of the day.  In school she learned how to make hundreds of cocktails like a Tom Collins, Old Fashion, Manhattan, and Mojitos, which prepared her for pouring pitchers of premixed Margaritas and Sangria. She learned dozens of different glasses and when to use them, so she feels confident when she is dumping frozen strawberry daiquiris into plastic souvenirs cups.

Welcome to my News Blog

Being a hermited cryptid can be lonely. Some days my only human interaction is scraping my claws on the undercarriage of a car occupied by stoned teenagers. I see a lot though, so I think it is time to start writing down my take on what happening.